December 20, 1996 - Friday

Went to another Hockey Game last night.  Elder King and I were out walking around and these two girls started talking with us and asked us to go outside with them.  They were pretty good looking.  I didn't catch what they were saying until after we left.  But it was funny.  I'm still having my problem.  night.

[Post Journal Chat - So the great thing about this Hockey Game was that it was between Canada & Russia.  It was also celebrating 50 years of Russian hockey.  We went down as far as we could get before the game started and yelled things to the Canucks warming up.  Elder Sefcik is from Canada, but his mom is from Utah - so he has dual-citizenship.  There was a couple of other Canadians in the mission over the years, but none were as cool as Sefcik.  His name actually comes from somewhere slavik.  It was Sevchic, and so that's how they spelled it on his namebadge.  Unlike me - where they wouldn't put in two rs in Herrick, Xeppuk.]

December 12, 1996 - Thursday

Okay what's up G?  Today I slept in until like 11:00am and we didn't get out of the apartment until about 2:30pm or so.  Tomorrow I promise myself that I will get up by 6:30alm.  I promise.  I also will be good. 

We had a D with a Korean girl who spoke English.  I went off on something about Joseph Smith and it went bad, but the D was pretty good.  She was really apprehensive about the whole thing.  I'm tired of not feeling the Spirit [like in the MTC].  Night.

Oh yeah we went to another Hockey Game on the 10th and then the 11th, Wednesday, we played GatorBall.  I am so tired and sore.  Then we went out to eat at Santa Fe.  Good food but expensive.  Ст. Kirkwood was going to Воронеж (Voronezh) that night and so it was kind of a good-bye party.  Night.

[Post Journal Chat - Again for Culture Night we went to a Hockey Game.  ЦСКА [Tsey Ess Kah] played Братислава (Словакия) [Bratislava (Slovakia).  I really don't remember who won, but it was very fun to watch.]

December 9, 1996 - Monday

Tonight we had FHE or Семый вечер [Syemy Vecher - Family Night - by the way I misspelled Семеный - Semyeny].  It was pretty cool.  We met at Тёрви Стан [I couldn't read my handwriting and so I don't exactly know what metro station that I was talking about] and went over to Паведьский Дом and ate a little then played a game where you say a name and a person standing in the circle tries to hit that person (who's name was called) on the head before they call out someone else's.  Then it goes from person to person.  It was pretty fun.  [We used a long newspaper rolled up in a cone]. 

It was Ст. Stevenson's last one in the branch.  Ст. Barnes and Larsen don't like him.  Most people don't , but I do.  Oh well - night.

December 8, 1996 - Sunday

It's after Church - we came back to the apartment with Ст. Larsen and Woolverton and we had pizza.  It was good.  Now we are sitting around talking about skiing.  I am so trunky.  I want to be one of the ones going home to girls, skiing and etc.  Oh well I'm not - so why whine about it.

December 7, 1996 - Saturday

Well I called mom and dad tonight and talked to them for about 33 minutes.  Total two calls cost me $25.  Oh well.  It's a living they make.  That makes no sense.  My companion was sick today and we spent the whole day in the apartment.  I spent the whole day writing letters that I can send home.  I talked to my mom and dad about stuff they can send with the Dent's.  Well it's been a sitting around yet tiring day so I'll go to bed.  Night.

December 6, 1996 - Friday

Tonight we went and had a D with Svetlana and it was great.  I hardly understood a word but I really feel comfortable with her and her son Дима (Dima) - I think?  Anyway it was really cool.  We went there to give a 1st D, but her husband wasn't home so we asked her if she had questions about what she read or about anything.  She brought out some Book about world religions and asked a question about what it said in there.  It said that Mormons believe that they can become gods.  Which we do.  So Ст. Barnes answered it like a pro.  We can become like God - not above God but like him.  A god. 

Before the D we went and ate at McDonalds with a big group of Elders.  It was kind of a good-bye between and Ст. Nadaulf and Ст. Barnes.  Ст. Nadaulf is going to Воронеж (Voronezh) [which I would find out at the end of my mission was the promised land in the Russian Moscow South Mission - I loved it].  [Ст. Nadaulf] will probably not be back before Ст. Barnes leaves for home.  Also Ст. Kirkwood is going down to Воронеж next week at transfers. 

Wow.  I've almost been here a month.  Elder Dent is leaving this next week.  After the D [with Sveta & Dima] I'm excited to serve a mission.  I feel invincible, I know I'm not.  I know with God I am invincible - without God I am a pile of dirt walking around.  Plus I understood a little of what everyone was saying. 

[Svetlana's] little boy is so cute.  It's weird though.  I have the feeling that most Russians yell at their children.  Wow - what a difference between what I see in my sister's home, Katrina, and also what I want in my home, the same as in Katrina's, which is namely this - happiness no yelling - love - patience etc., and what I see already in Russian's homes.  But hey - I shouldn't judge because I've not been raised in a Russian home so I don't know how I would act if I was. 

Quote of the month from around Thanksgiving.  We were talking about car wrecks and how God helps keep us safe.  Ст. Woolverton - "Only the Lord can save you from a freaking diesel."  With that I close tonight.

December 2, 1996 - Monday

Yesterday was Elder Barnes' birthday.  After church we went out to eat at "American Bar & Grill."  I had the Spirit up until then.  Yesterday was Sunday by the way.  I had my problem as well.  I hate myself, but I'll do better.

[Post Journal Chat - Junior companions have to follow where their Seniors lead.  I wasn't really happy about going to the restaurant on Sunday, but I did eat when we were there.  It was the first American food I'd had in 2 weeks, and it was GOOD.  I can still remember what I ate.  It was a Mushroom Swiss Burger with a Dr. Pepper.  One irritating thing about Russian restaurants.  They do NOT give you free refills.  Not even one.  It was a good thing that I had plenty of extra money still.]

November 30, 1996 - Saturday

Let me tell you one weird thing about Russia...Kit Kats are made by Nestle'.  Is that weird or what?  Yesterday my companion was sick, so we went to English [Class] at 8am and got back at like 11-12.

We went to sleep , because we hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and then we didn't do anything all day.  Elder Josh King called up to ask me if I knew that Gilbert had been mugged and I had already known that.  So then I got directions to a Russian Department store where I could buy some good boots.  They are going to cost $90, but I haven't used any of the money that I brang from home.

I just finished reading a chapter out of the Книга Мормона [BOM].  It took me quite a while, I'll tell you.  I need to get an extension cord so I can listen to my CD player.  I have no batteries left.  Oh well.  [Russian power outlets run at 220v, and America uses 110v so just plugging it in would fry the electronics without a converter/extension cord.].

November 29, 1996 - Friday

[Pre Journal Chat - Okay folks I've been a little slow lately because I've had to think about something.  As I went to do this post there it was a full page in my journal, but unless I talk about some personal things, there was only two sentences I could post.

So...I'm going to share more than I've been comfortable sharing before.  Leading up to my mission I'd had some problems getting worthy and ready to serve.  I'm not going to come right out and say exactly what, but I'm sure you can guess.  I'm just going to say that I had a problem.  I call it "plausible deniability."

So back to the mission.  Like I said earlier, my trainer/1st companion was trunky - That meant that he wasn't a very hard worker.  Here I was straight from the MTC raring to charge out into the field and baptize everybody, and we didn't really do any work.  I studied a lot! 

That brought on homesickness, my problem, feelings of low or no self-worth and what I now recognize as depression.

WARNING - it is a very dark time in my mission.  Read at your own risk.]

Well its the day after Turkey day.  [Talked about my problem a bit]  I am such a punk.  I hate myself.  I hate it here.  Only because of [my problem.  Later] I'll be fine.  I hate feeling like this.  I feel dirty, scum of the earth, like I should kill myself.  I know though, that [killing myself] would be worse.  Then I would eternally feel like *&(*#.  I hate myself.  I can't imagine my children or wife looking back on this.  I really hate myself.  I wish I could change. 

I read in the book "Jesus the Christ" (some of I already told you about [earlier].  Well I am going to fast maybe tomorrow, but definately Sunday.  Oh I feel like crap.  I still need to finish writing my parents.  Oh I hate myself.  I suck.

[Later]  I feel beter now.  I prayed and cried, and cried some more.  It helps.  Now I'm going to listen to a tape from home.