Xeppuk's Two Years: The Small Papers of Mitchell

Bienvenidos pocos verdecitos! So you hit the MTC or Provo Prison as you will come to know it. It is custom around here to share with you greenies the wisdom of our 2 month stay. The time of the epistle is from the 25th October, 1995 to 26th December, 1995.
And it came to pass that I, Elder Cory Scott Mitchell arrived in this Land of Provo on the 25th day of October in the year of 1995, having forsaken my home city of Salt Lake for a period of two years.
And thus it happened, also, for my companion, Elder Jason Randolph of Fresno, California.
After a space of many days we stretched forth our hands and pulled forth from the wall the wisdom of my predecessors; missionaries past. In these records, the others you may read, we found the wisdom of the experiences in this land of Provo.
Now my brethren I would exhort that you give strict heed to these words which I will write, for I have not long before I find that I must go to the land southward which is Argentina, Cordoba.
The first of the words which I will speak are concerning the vile poisons which bring forth the foul wind. In other words, my brethren, the MTC food.
Now this is my warning concerning the worst of these items available: Thou shouldest not partake of any flesh of beasts which have sauce upon them; lest your district should surely die. Thou shalt not partake of potatoes, fish, desert or orange juice to that point which is excessive lest thy stomach should revile against thee. [I left out of my journal 4 lines "that are rather inappropriate"]. Also those trays of nacho sauce for chips are from the very depths of Hell and they shall cause a fire within. [Again I left out a line or two.] And finally for this subject, thou shalt choose with discretion the antacid which thou shalt partake for in some is the power to stop thee up for many days.
Now, my brethren, I would speak unto you concerning visits to the BYU Health Center. Within this ride thou shalt have opportunity to see the world which is within the land of Provo. In this land thou wilt see all that which is beautiful but of which thou canst not partake. For in this land are many beasts of the asphalt which are fast and which are beautiful to behold. Also thou shalt see that which is of the opposite sex which is fair to look upon. But behold, thus saith the Barney, if thou looks twice, thou art not a missionary. So my brethren, I would say unto you, make that one look long, or better yet, take a picture, it will last thee longer.
I also desire to tell you, my brethren, that packages which are sent from home are good, but build not a monument unto them lest thy branch president should come down upon thee and smite thee with them. But thou wouldst be wise to treasure up the contents thereof for they have infinite value unto thee.
Also, concerning thy rooms, they shalt be cleaned by thee all the days of thy stay, lest thy District Leader & Assistant to the President be smitten by the Branch Presidency and then smite thee.
Now if thou hast sisters in thy district, thou shalt walk gingerly by them, and anger them not (Proverbs 21:9, 19) And I would tell you to remember always that Satan is a woman (refer to D&C 52:14). Make no mistakes however, that some of these sisters are definitely angels: BUT THOU SHALT TOUCH THEM NOT!
Now brethren, I would tell thee that thou shalt never sing in the shower choir lest others shalt think thee a ferry. This I know for I have reviled against many the bathroom ferry choir and I smote them with the strength of my arm.
Now I see that I must soon depart to the land southward and I would exhort thee that thou pay strict heed to these, my words. Nevertheless I leave it unto thee to discover for thyself.