[Pre Journal Chat - Okay folks I've been a little slow lately because I've had to think about something. As I went to do this post there it was a full page in my journal, but unless I talk about some personal things, there was only two sentences I could post.
So...I'm going to share more than I've been comfortable sharing before. Leading up to my mission I'd had some problems getting worthy and ready to serve. I'm not going to come right out and say exactly what, but I'm sure you can guess. I'm just going to say that I had a problem. I call it "plausible deniability."
So back to the mission. Like I said earlier, my trainer/1st companion was trunky - That meant that he wasn't a very hard worker. Here I was straight from the MTC raring to charge out into the field and baptize everybody, and we didn't really do any work. I studied a lot!
That brought on homesickness, my problem, feelings of low or no self-worth and what I now recognize as depression.
WARNING - it is a very dark time in my mission. Read at your own risk.]
Well its the day after Turkey day. [Talked about my problem a bit] I am such a punk. I hate myself. I hate it here. Only because of [my problem. Later] I'll be fine. I hate feeling like this. I feel dirty, scum of the earth, like I should kill myself. I know though, that [killing myself] would be worse. Then I would eternally feel like *&(*#. I hate myself. I can't imagine my children or wife looking back on this. I really hate myself. I wish I could change.
I read in the book "Jesus the Christ" (some of I already told you about [earlier]. Well I am going to fast maybe tomorrow, but definately Sunday. Oh I feel like crap. I still need to finish writing my parents. Oh I hate myself. I suck.
[Later] I feel beter now. I prayed and cried, and cried some more. It helps. Now I'm going to listen to a tape from home.
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