May 5, 1997 - Monday

Well I f*ing suck.  Always have, always will.  Anyways we had a D with Евгенний and Марина today.  It was alright, but not that good.  I hate myself - not really, but I feel so empty right now.  I will be comps with Ст. Gammon for another month.  Someone up there hates me.  I just feel so freaking empty.  Nothing really bothers me except the fact I feel so f*ing empty.

At least I took out my $140 from home.  Cool huh?  I told Ст. Gammon that I would be going to the CD рынок and he said that was fine, but he would be going with and we would use up hours for our P-Day.  I told him I didn't really like the idea.  We will see what happens.  I'm in a really rebellious mood and I don't f*ing care anymore.  Ya see - so bite me ya X#&%S?!!

October 2, 1996 - Wednesday

Today, like usual, I got up at 6:46am and took a shower.  Then I made up Elder Parks' bed while he was taking a shower.  It made me feel good.  And I hope it makes me love him more.  I can feel it starting to work. 

I have memorized another half of a paragraph from the Ds [Discussions written in Russian] - it's hard though.  We never have enough time.  Well - by for now.

It's just after supper.  Michelle Merithew wrote.  Yahoo.  Whew.  I just [got] back from the evening class.  I feel like I just suck.  I'm feeling pretty bad.  I feel like Moses.  Earlier today I was feeling really good and in the last class I felt the Spirit so strongly.  But afterwards I really didn't.  It's like the Spirit left me when I was trying to teach the 1st principle of the 2nd Discussion.  I floundered and really disliked it.  Intensely.  I went after Elder Parks and I felt like he did so good and I compared myself to him and the Spirit departed.

So what I learned from today is not to be contentious.  And not to compare myself to other people. But that is really hard to do [or not to do - as the case may be]. I don't understand why we can't have the Spirit with us always. Is it because we are not suppose to or is it because I have done something wrong? 

I'm feeling better now.  It's like I just have to get it off of my chest or Satan can only tempt or discourage me for so long and that's all?  Well it's bedtime.  night

September 25, 1996 - Wednesday

I still feel sick but I got a blessing from the APs & my companions.  I still have a huge headache but at least the cold has mostly moved out of my chest.  It was difficult to breathe last night.  I had to wake up and cough - I felt like I was drowning.  When I woke up at 3am or so I went to the bathroom.  I felt really good because I could breathe deeply.  Something had kept me from breathing in all the way.  So I felt really good, but when I woke up at 6 I was really dry and my head hurt.  And my throat was super dry.  Now it hurts and I've been coughing on and off all day.  Yesterday I was coughing all the time. 

Whenever I'm sick I just don't care.  So today I really wasn't all that spiritual.  In our evening class we had gospel study and I was a bit contentious.  And Elder Clarke said something that I got angry at.  The fact that we just can't give up on certain parts of the doctrine and say that they aren't important to our salvation.  Just because they are super, really big, too hard to understand. 

So I was mad and closed up my mouth and didn't talk much.  Then I prayed that my anger wold go away.  I felt the anger drain from me and then I started to think about why I was angry.  Then I realized I was angry because I had kind of stopped believing in prayer.  I haven't gotten very many answers and I have a hard time recognizing if I get them.  Well I have to go to bed to stay within mission rules.  night