November 29, 1996 - Friday

[Pre Journal Chat - Okay folks I've been a little slow lately because I've had to think about something.  As I went to do this post there it was a full page in my journal, but unless I talk about some personal things, there was only two sentences I could post.

So...I'm going to share more than I've been comfortable sharing before.  Leading up to my mission I'd had some problems getting worthy and ready to serve.  I'm not going to come right out and say exactly what, but I'm sure you can guess.  I'm just going to say that I had a problem.  I call it "plausible deniability."

So back to the mission.  Like I said earlier, my trainer/1st companion was trunky - That meant that he wasn't a very hard worker.  Here I was straight from the MTC raring to charge out into the field and baptize everybody, and we didn't really do any work.  I studied a lot! 

That brought on homesickness, my problem, feelings of low or no self-worth and what I now recognize as depression.

WARNING - it is a very dark time in my mission.  Read at your own risk.]

Well its the day after Turkey day.  [Talked about my problem a bit]  I am such a punk.  I hate myself.  I hate it here.  Only because of [my problem.  Later] I'll be fine.  I hate feeling like this.  I feel dirty, scum of the earth, like I should kill myself.  I know though, that [killing myself] would be worse.  Then I would eternally feel like *&(*#.  I hate myself.  I can't imagine my children or wife looking back on this.  I really hate myself.  I wish I could change. 

I read in the book "Jesus the Christ" (some of I already told you about [earlier].  Well I am going to fast maybe tomorrow, but definately Sunday.  Oh I feel like crap.  I still need to finish writing my parents.  Oh I hate myself.  I suck.

[Later]  I feel beter now.  I prayed and cried, and cried some more.  It helps.  Now I'm going to listen to a tape from home. 

November 6, 1996 - Wednesday

Well I took a shower last night and I had a really good sleep.  I wasn't sore or anything this morning.  Today is my last Wednesday at the MTC.  Elder Kindred said it's pretty sad huh? (when I said that outloud).  And I said what he said its pretty sad that we don't feel sad leaving the MTC.  I want to be in Russia right now.  I'll write later.

It's after we had a chance to teach the discussions again.  I feel like crap so much.  I feel like I have just procrastinated.  I just feel so terribles [yeah - no idea where I was going with that spelling].  I wish I knew why.  Jesus was perfect.  Why can't I be.  I hate myself.  This is what I wrote right after we finished teaching..."I've never really been tested.  I've felt so much more bad feelings deep inside as I started working hard.  I'm falling hard." 

Here is a quote that Sister Jensen relayed..."What kind of Church would this be if all missionaries were like me?"  You can probably guess how I felt.

[Post Journal Chat - Looking back I still can't understand how I could feel such contrasting feelings within 24 hours.  Tuesdays were always terrific because of the General Authorities' talks and here it is Wednesday and these feelings pop up.  I think that it comes from comparing myself to others.  I compare their best - with my worst.  For some reason that doesn't bring happiness???] 

October 2, 1996 - Wednesday

Today, like usual, I got up at 6:46am and took a shower.  Then I made up Elder Parks' bed while he was taking a shower.  It made me feel good.  And I hope it makes me love him more.  I can feel it starting to work. 

I have memorized another half of a paragraph from the Ds [Discussions written in Russian] - it's hard though.  We never have enough time.  Well - by for now.

It's just after supper.  Michelle Merithew wrote.  Yahoo.  Whew.  I just [got] back from the evening class.  I feel like I just suck.  I'm feeling pretty bad.  I feel like Moses.  Earlier today I was feeling really good and in the last class I felt the Spirit so strongly.  But afterwards I really didn't.  It's like the Spirit left me when I was trying to teach the 1st principle of the 2nd Discussion.  I floundered and really disliked it.  Intensely.  I went after Elder Parks and I felt like he did so good and I compared myself to him and the Spirit departed.

So what I learned from today is not to be contentious.  And not to compare myself to other people. But that is really hard to do [or not to do - as the case may be]. I don't understand why we can't have the Spirit with us always. Is it because we are not suppose to or is it because I have done something wrong? 

I'm feeling better now.  It's like I just have to get it off of my chest or Satan can only tempt or discourage me for so long and that's all?  Well it's bedtime.  night