Well I took a shower last night and I had a really good sleep. I wasn't sore or anything this morning. Today is my last Wednesday at the MTC. Elder Kindred said it's pretty sad huh? (when I said that outloud). And I said what he said its pretty sad that we don't feel sad leaving the MTC. I want to be in Russia right now. I'll write later.
It's after we had a chance to teach the discussions again. I feel like crap so much. I feel like I have just procrastinated. I just feel so terribles [yeah - no idea where I was going with that spelling]. I wish I knew why. Jesus was perfect. Why can't I be. I hate myself. This is what I wrote right after we finished teaching..."I've never really been tested. I've felt so much more bad feelings deep inside as I started working hard. I'm falling hard."
Here is a quote that Sister Jensen relayed..."What kind of Church would this be if all missionaries were like me?" You can probably guess how I felt.
[Post Journal Chat - Looking back I still can't understand how I could feel such contrasting feelings within 24 hours. Tuesdays were always terrific because of the General Authorities' talks and here it is Wednesday and these feelings pop up. I think that it comes from comparing myself to others. I compare their best - with my worst. For some reason that doesn't bring happiness???]
Showing posts with label TRC in Russian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TRC in Russian. Show all posts
10/31/10
October 31, 1996 - Thursday
It's Halloween. I assume I will receive a package today full of candy from Vernae. But then again she might be late. I felt good last night after we (Elder Parks & I) taught, but when we sat down and analyzed it, I just kept seeing things that I needed to work on. But to [myself] - I said this is what you did wrong.
It was really hard to hear her [the Russian speaking investigator at TRC]. She spoke fast and in a soft voice. On feedback she said that I was real sincere and Sister Heaton said she loved me. It was Брат Wolsey's wife. Elder Parks had good eye contact - is his feedback. I can't remember what else. I didn't mean to say that I did better than him, because I didn't. He kept good eye contact because he had it more or less memorized and didn't have to read like I did. I kind of froze up a little, when I taught and I couldn't understand her very good. But I was trying so hard to understand.
[Mid journal chat - 4 things.
1) A lot of Russian women talk softly like Брат Wolsey's wife. Many times I had to ask Russian women to repeat what they had said.
2) I did not have this problem with the Бабушкы (Babushkas). It's amazing, but there were very few middle age women. It was like there was a magical transformation when a woman hit 40 (looking 30) - boom - they were suddenly 70-year-old Бабушкы. Which meant that they brushed the dirt courtyard outside with twig brooms, wore handkerchiefs/babushkas on their heads, watched a lot of what was going on, and always told us to put a hat on etc.
3) I had/have a problem with Alpha females sometimes. There was a lady in my first branch that I couldn't understand - I ran into her again after I had been out about a year on my mission, and I was speaking pretty well - and she flustered me and it was like I had only been out only a month again - I couldn't understand what she was saying. When I asked her to repeat it - she asked "When I would learn to speak Russian?" Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!
4) - you know - I can't remember where I was going with this - so that's all.]
Dang it I feel like crap tonight and I don't know why. I don't want to talk about it with anyone else either. It might be that I didn't receive a package from anybody with Halloween candy in it. I also have a crush on Sister Heaton and I don't want too. It's not a crush I can do anything about until my mission is over, so I won't worry about that. But this Saturday she will interview me and I don't want to dump my problems on her. But I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to pray tonight. Maybe if you're good - I'll share what I [prayed].
As I prayed, I told the Lord that didn't feel good, and that I wanted to, and that I was promised when I was baptized that would have the Spirit if I was living righteously. I told the Lord ("told" isn't a good word, prayed and said) that I was trying my best to live good and I needed the Holy Ghost and I instantly felt better. night.
It was really hard to hear her [the Russian speaking investigator at TRC]. She spoke fast and in a soft voice. On feedback she said that I was real sincere and Sister Heaton said she loved me. It was Брат Wolsey's wife. Elder Parks had good eye contact - is his feedback. I can't remember what else. I didn't mean to say that I did better than him, because I didn't. He kept good eye contact because he had it more or less memorized and didn't have to read like I did. I kind of froze up a little, when I taught and I couldn't understand her very good. But I was trying so hard to understand.
[Mid journal chat - 4 things.
1) A lot of Russian women talk softly like Брат Wolsey's wife. Many times I had to ask Russian women to repeat what they had said.
2) I did not have this problem with the Бабушкы (Babushkas). It's amazing, but there were very few middle age women. It was like there was a magical transformation when a woman hit 40 (looking 30) - boom - they were suddenly 70-year-old Бабушкы. Which meant that they brushed the dirt courtyard outside with twig brooms, wore handkerchiefs/babushkas on their heads, watched a lot of what was going on, and always told us to put a hat on etc.
3) I had/have a problem with Alpha females sometimes. There was a lady in my first branch that I couldn't understand - I ran into her again after I had been out about a year on my mission, and I was speaking pretty well - and she flustered me and it was like I had only been out only a month again - I couldn't understand what she was saying. When I asked her to repeat it - she asked "When I would learn to speak Russian?" Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!
4) - you know - I can't remember where I was going with this - so that's all.]
Dang it I feel like crap tonight and I don't know why. I don't want to talk about it with anyone else either. It might be that I didn't receive a package from anybody with Halloween candy in it. I also have a crush on Sister Heaton and I don't want too. It's not a crush I can do anything about until my mission is over, so I won't worry about that. But this Saturday she will interview me and I don't want to dump my problems on her. But I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to pray tonight. Maybe if you're good - I'll share what I [prayed].
As I prayed, I told the Lord that didn't feel good, and that I wanted to, and that I was promised when I was baptized that would have the Spirit if I was living righteously. I told the Lord ("told" isn't a good word, prayed and said) that I was trying my best to live good and I needed the Holy Ghost and I instantly felt better. night.
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