Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
2/28/11
February 22, 1997 - Saturday
I'm on splits for the night with Ст. Russell. He's an OK guy. He was baptized about 2 years ago and he is already on a mission. That's pretty cool. I went and watched "The Nutcracker" at the Kremlin Theatre. It was pretty cool. It only cost 7 dollars and back home it would have cost about $93 more. I kind of had a bad mood earlier today because I had to go on splits and I really didn't want to. Also I've felt not worthy. So I had to pray to lift my bad mood. It worked. But it took until now. Bye
12/6/10
November 29, 1996 - Friday
[Pre Journal Chat - Okay folks I've been a little slow lately because I've had to think about something. As I went to do this post there it was a full page in my journal, but unless I talk about some personal things, there was only two sentences I could post.
So...I'm going to share more than I've been comfortable sharing before. Leading up to my mission I'd had some problems getting worthy and ready to serve. I'm not going to come right out and say exactly what, but I'm sure you can guess. I'm just going to say that I had a problem. I call it "plausible deniability."
So back to the mission. Like I said earlier, my trainer/1st companion was trunky - That meant that he wasn't a very hard worker. Here I was straight from the MTC raring to charge out into the field and baptize everybody, and we didn't really do any work. I studied a lot!
That brought on homesickness, my problem, feelings of low or no self-worth and what I now recognize as depression.
WARNING - it is a very dark time in my mission. Read at your own risk.]
Well its the day after Turkey day. [Talked about my problem a bit] I am such a punk. I hate myself. I hate it here. Only because of [my problem. Later] I'll be fine. I hate feeling like this. I feel dirty, scum of the earth, like I should kill myself. I know though, that [killing myself] would be worse. Then I would eternally feel like *&(*#. I hate myself. I can't imagine my children or wife looking back on this. I really hate myself. I wish I could change.
I read in the book "Jesus the Christ" (some of I already told you about [earlier]. Well I am going to fast maybe tomorrow, but definately Sunday. Oh I feel like crap. I still need to finish writing my parents. Oh I hate myself. I suck.
[Later] I feel beter now. I prayed and cried, and cried some more. It helps. Now I'm going to listen to a tape from home.
So...I'm going to share more than I've been comfortable sharing before. Leading up to my mission I'd had some problems getting worthy and ready to serve. I'm not going to come right out and say exactly what, but I'm sure you can guess. I'm just going to say that I had a problem. I call it "plausible deniability."
So back to the mission. Like I said earlier, my trainer/1st companion was trunky - That meant that he wasn't a very hard worker. Here I was straight from the MTC raring to charge out into the field and baptize everybody, and we didn't really do any work. I studied a lot!
That brought on homesickness, my problem, feelings of low or no self-worth and what I now recognize as depression.
WARNING - it is a very dark time in my mission. Read at your own risk.]
Well its the day after Turkey day. [Talked about my problem a bit] I am such a punk. I hate myself. I hate it here. Only because of [my problem. Later] I'll be fine. I hate feeling like this. I feel dirty, scum of the earth, like I should kill myself. I know though, that [killing myself] would be worse. Then I would eternally feel like *&(*#. I hate myself. I can't imagine my children or wife looking back on this. I really hate myself. I wish I could change.
I read in the book "Jesus the Christ" (some of I already told you about [earlier]. Well I am going to fast maybe tomorrow, but definately Sunday. Oh I feel like crap. I still need to finish writing my parents. Oh I hate myself. I suck.
[Later] I feel beter now. I prayed and cried, and cried some more. It helps. Now I'm going to listen to a tape from home.
11/5/10
November 5, 1996 - Tuesday
Well I ended up praying for about 18 minutes or so. I'm not saying I'm cool or anything but I just felt horrible that I had to until I felt better. Its still feel weird. [Nice grammar structure huh?] Well I'm doing great tonight. Its always awesome to listen to the Lord's servants. love Walter.
11/4/10
November 4, 1996 - Monday
Tonight again I feel weird. Whatever it is [that] the Lord wants me to know - I have no idea what it is. I have the feeling that I am not learning it. I feel really bad right now. I've had diarhea the past couple of days. I feel like fasting forever. It's the only way I really feel the Spirit. I know it is not a good thing but I feel like doing it. Please dear Heavenly Father help me. I love you so much. Thank you.
11/3/10
November 3, 1996 - Sunday
Hi - it was just Sunday. It's always better on Sunday. I need to pray and thank the Lord for the knowledge I have gained tonight. Good night.
10/31/10
October 31, 1996 - Thursday
It's Halloween. I assume I will receive a package today full of candy from Vernae. But then again she might be late. I felt good last night after we (Elder Parks & I) taught, but when we sat down and analyzed it, I just kept seeing things that I needed to work on. But to [myself] - I said this is what you did wrong.
It was really hard to hear her [the Russian speaking investigator at TRC]. She spoke fast and in a soft voice. On feedback she said that I was real sincere and Sister Heaton said she loved me. It was Брат Wolsey's wife. Elder Parks had good eye contact - is his feedback. I can't remember what else. I didn't mean to say that I did better than him, because I didn't. He kept good eye contact because he had it more or less memorized and didn't have to read like I did. I kind of froze up a little, when I taught and I couldn't understand her very good. But I was trying so hard to understand.
[Mid journal chat - 4 things.
1) A lot of Russian women talk softly like Брат Wolsey's wife. Many times I had to ask Russian women to repeat what they had said.
2) I did not have this problem with the Бабушкы (Babushkas). It's amazing, but there were very few middle age women. It was like there was a magical transformation when a woman hit 40 (looking 30) - boom - they were suddenly 70-year-old Бабушкы. Which meant that they brushed the dirt courtyard outside with twig brooms, wore handkerchiefs/babushkas on their heads, watched a lot of what was going on, and always told us to put a hat on etc.
3) I had/have a problem with Alpha females sometimes. There was a lady in my first branch that I couldn't understand - I ran into her again after I had been out about a year on my mission, and I was speaking pretty well - and she flustered me and it was like I had only been out only a month again - I couldn't understand what she was saying. When I asked her to repeat it - she asked "When I would learn to speak Russian?" Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!
4) - you know - I can't remember where I was going with this - so that's all.]
Dang it I feel like crap tonight and I don't know why. I don't want to talk about it with anyone else either. It might be that I didn't receive a package from anybody with Halloween candy in it. I also have a crush on Sister Heaton and I don't want too. It's not a crush I can do anything about until my mission is over, so I won't worry about that. But this Saturday she will interview me and I don't want to dump my problems on her. But I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to pray tonight. Maybe if you're good - I'll share what I [prayed].
As I prayed, I told the Lord that didn't feel good, and that I wanted to, and that I was promised when I was baptized that would have the Spirit if I was living righteously. I told the Lord ("told" isn't a good word, prayed and said) that I was trying my best to live good and I needed the Holy Ghost and I instantly felt better. night.
It was really hard to hear her [the Russian speaking investigator at TRC]. She spoke fast and in a soft voice. On feedback she said that I was real sincere and Sister Heaton said she loved me. It was Брат Wolsey's wife. Elder Parks had good eye contact - is his feedback. I can't remember what else. I didn't mean to say that I did better than him, because I didn't. He kept good eye contact because he had it more or less memorized and didn't have to read like I did. I kind of froze up a little, when I taught and I couldn't understand her very good. But I was trying so hard to understand.
[Mid journal chat - 4 things.
1) A lot of Russian women talk softly like Брат Wolsey's wife. Many times I had to ask Russian women to repeat what they had said.
2) I did not have this problem with the Бабушкы (Babushkas). It's amazing, but there were very few middle age women. It was like there was a magical transformation when a woman hit 40 (looking 30) - boom - they were suddenly 70-year-old Бабушкы. Which meant that they brushed the dirt courtyard outside with twig brooms, wore handkerchiefs/babushkas on their heads, watched a lot of what was going on, and always told us to put a hat on etc.
3) I had/have a problem with Alpha females sometimes. There was a lady in my first branch that I couldn't understand - I ran into her again after I had been out about a year on my mission, and I was speaking pretty well - and she flustered me and it was like I had only been out only a month again - I couldn't understand what she was saying. When I asked her to repeat it - she asked "When I would learn to speak Russian?" Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!
4) - you know - I can't remember where I was going with this - so that's all.]
Dang it I feel like crap tonight and I don't know why. I don't want to talk about it with anyone else either. It might be that I didn't receive a package from anybody with Halloween candy in it. I also have a crush on Sister Heaton and I don't want too. It's not a crush I can do anything about until my mission is over, so I won't worry about that. But this Saturday she will interview me and I don't want to dump my problems on her. But I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to pray tonight. Maybe if you're good - I'll share what I [prayed].
As I prayed, I told the Lord that didn't feel good, and that I wanted to, and that I was promised when I was baptized that would have the Spirit if I was living righteously. I told the Lord ("told" isn't a good word, prayed and said) that I was trying my best to live good and I needed the Holy Ghost and I instantly felt better. night.
10/28/10
October 28, 1996 - Monday
By the way - Saturday night I was comforted. I don't know if I like having Ст. Beckstrand in my room, but it looks like I'm stuck with him. It isn't so bad, but you know I don't like change. I had to give up some space and I know I'm being selfish, but hey - I'll get over it.
I'm going to fast today because I want to feel the Spirit. I don't like the way that I feel. I think anytime that I can't pray sincerely I'll threaten myself with fasting. At least maybe I'll lose some weight before I leave. Only two more weeks wow. It seems weird. When the group leaves tomorrow we'll be the oldest group of Ruskies left. Wow. Last Friday we went to the temple and Sister Habel & Sister Pipken were there. I didn't stand by either of them on purpose, because that would be hard to concentrate. They are companions and are both very beautiful. But I shouldn't look.
It's about 9:46pm and earlier today, right after supper, we all received notes that I had written. (I talked about them on 10-19-96. ) It felt so good to hear people talk about who they thought it was and how it made them feel. It felt really good.
Okay - we had TRC again tonight and all day I had had negative feelings for Ст. Parks. So when we went into the teaching I don't think we taught with the Spirit as strongly as we could have. I didn't really think we accomplished our goal and I was mad at myself and at Ст. Parks etc. Not feeling at all like I had [when I did TRC] with Sister Jensen. But when we got back to the dorm Ст. Beckstrand sensed I had a concern and basically testified that I did good, got me in a better mood. It felt good. I love everyone and Ст. Parks included. I love you. В имя Иисуса Христа. [In the name of Jesus Christ]
I'm going to fast today because I want to feel the Spirit. I don't like the way that I feel. I think anytime that I can't pray sincerely I'll threaten myself with fasting. At least maybe I'll lose some weight before I leave. Only two more weeks wow. It seems weird. When the group leaves tomorrow we'll be the oldest group of Ruskies left. Wow. Last Friday we went to the temple and Sister Habel & Sister Pipken were there. I didn't stand by either of them on purpose, because that would be hard to concentrate. They are companions and are both very beautiful. But I shouldn't look.
It's about 9:46pm and earlier today, right after supper, we all received notes that I had written. (I talked about them on 10-19-96. ) It felt so good to hear people talk about who they thought it was and how it made them feel. It felt really good.
Okay - we had TRC again tonight and all day I had had negative feelings for Ст. Parks. So when we went into the teaching I don't think we taught with the Spirit as strongly as we could have. I didn't really think we accomplished our goal and I was mad at myself and at Ст. Parks etc. Not feeling at all like I had [when I did TRC] with Sister Jensen. But when we got back to the dorm Ст. Beckstrand sensed I had a concern and basically testified that I did good, got me in a better mood. It felt good. I love everyone and Ст. Parks included. I love you. В имя Иисуса Христа. [In the name of Jesus Christ]
10/22/10
October 22, 1996 - Tuesday
Good evening gentle folk. I had a radical day today. Tuesdays are always good. Elder Robert B. Hales spoke to us. I love it when the General Authorities and especially when the 12 come. I love everyone and for the past couple of nights I have loved to pray. I hope the Lord always helps me to love to pray. Night.
10/20/10
October 20, 1996 - Sunday
As I prayed today I felt really good. I really haven't had that burning or anything, but all of the day [what?] I have felt extra spiritual and I think all the talks were for me. They all were pointed at what I was working on. good night
10/17/10
October 17, 1996 - Thursday
I was feeling contentious tonight because I missed the temple last week and they did baptisms and then an endowment. This week I thought they would do that again, but they just want to do an endowment first. So I asked Pres. Watson, he was walking around, and he said that after you've been going pretty regular that it would be alright to go for a baptism or something and then go home. [That was a really long run on sentence.]
I felt like it was wrong etc. 
I felt like this - blue kind of sideways & wrinkley smiled. So I prayed, for 10 minutes I bet, about my concerns etc. I just decided to do endowment and then let the others worry about themselves. So I feel much better and Heavenly Father has indeed blest me tonight with calmness & peace & I thought it would be important to write it in my journal - even though it's now 11 am. night10/12/10
October 12, 1996 - Saturday
Well guess what!? When I was home Mike and Lynette came up and earlier my dad told me that they were engaged. To be married on the 19th. Well that's next Saturday. Wow huh? It was weird I did not realize it when I was talking to them (my mom and dad.)
[WARNING - In this next paragraph I sound pretty dang naive - It's embarassing. Read at your own Peril]
It feels good to be back in the swing of things, but I know it will feel really good when I get off my mission. You know what...that's not a good thing to say. Because, then it will be, when I get married I'll feel really good and it'll never stop.
I feel really good right now. I asked Ст. [short for Старейшина or Elder] Parks & Ст. Kindred to give me a blessing and they did. Ст. Parks annointed and Ст. Kindred blessed. I blessed Ст. Parks earlier in the month & I didn't do a very good job. I don't know why. I had only done one before that. Ст. Kindred was really good. I feel lots better. I know he is close to the Spirit. That Elder has the longest prayers I have ever seen. So does Ст. Parks. Sometimes I have problems realizing when I have received answers. But I know I have. Well it's time for bed goodnight.
[WARNING - In this next paragraph I sound pretty dang naive - It's embarassing. Read at your own Peril]
It feels good to be back in the swing of things, but I know it will feel really good when I get off my mission. You know what...that's not a good thing to say. Because, then it will be, when I get married I'll feel really good and it'll never stop.
I feel really good right now. I asked Ст. [short for Старейшина or Elder] Parks & Ст. Kindred to give me a blessing and they did. Ст. Parks annointed and Ст. Kindred blessed. I blessed Ст. Parks earlier in the month & I didn't do a very good job. I don't know why. I had only done one before that. Ст. Kindred was really good. I feel lots better. I know he is close to the Spirit. That Elder has the longest prayers I have ever seen. So does Ст. Parks. Sometimes I have problems realizing when I have received answers. But I know I have. Well it's time for bed goodnight.
10/9/10
October 9, 1996 - Wednesday
Yesterday before grammar class they called me down to the counselors office & so I thought something like Dad had died or etc. So I get down there & she said "I suppose you know you are going home to Boise right?" I go no. So then she looks for her boss [for] me and he isn't there. Well then she gives me a piece of paper with my travel plans on it. I fly down [at] 8:20pm Thursday & come back at 11 on Friday morning. It seems that I have a court date Friday morning so that I can take care of my ticket [from Summer 1996 - it was a ticket for reckless driving]. I hope I can plead guilty to a lesser charge or something, pay the fine and come back.
When I'm there I'm going to see if I can get some Mongolian BBQ. I love that stuff. It is so good. But I'm kind of concerned with going out into Babylon. I don't want to. I'd rather stay here where it is nice and safe. But I'd rather have to go home for one night and go to court than to go home from Russia to take care of this. Well it's time to go to breakfast. Добры Утра [Good Morning - misspelled].
It's after class today and we prayed as a district. I had reservations and I got I still have them [nice grammar huh?]. The whole prayer felt weird and uncomfortable because it was so out in the open. I think that we shouldn't have had it because I felt it was aimed at Elder Beckstrand. I felt uncomfortable. I hope that it doesn't become something big.
When I'm there I'm going to see if I can get some Mongolian BBQ. I love that stuff. It is so good. But I'm kind of concerned with going out into Babylon. I don't want to. I'd rather stay here where it is nice and safe. But I'd rather have to go home for one night and go to court than to go home from Russia to take care of this. Well it's time to go to breakfast. Добры Утра [Good Morning - misspelled].
It's after class today and we prayed as a district. I had reservations and I got I still have them [nice grammar huh?]. The whole prayer felt weird and uncomfortable because it was so out in the open. I think that we shouldn't have had it because I felt it was aimed at Elder Beckstrand. I felt uncomfortable. I hope that it doesn't become something big.
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